Random Messes

Let it Bleed

By now you’re pretty tired of me whining about my breakup and, trust me, I’m right there with you. I can never seem to be done with something until I’ve exhausted myself into a state of pure irritation and disgust.  I poke and obsess until I’m positively sick. It’s only then that I let go.

The irony is not lost on me that my favorite song is Let it Be, written by Pail McCartney. I typically do anything but, and I’ve turned to this song in many tough times. What’s worse, I’ve even been known to dole out a dose of this wisdom when someone else in pain. “Let it be, friend. All will be well… just allow yourself to go through the process….” So wise.

Unless, of course, it’s me that’s hurting.

Me? No way. I don’t need to sit in this suck. I’m just gonna read self-helpy books, stay distracted, and fast-track this damn recovery with everything I’ve got. I’m gonna get an A+ in breakups and end up better than I was when I was all coupled up and cozy. The rules of breakups don’t apply to me. I’m different. I’m special. I’m…

I’m…an idiot.

I’ve always been a stove-toucher. You can tell me all day that the burner is hot, and I might believe you, but I still need to singe off a layer or two of skin before I’ll really get the lesson. It’s been like that everywhere else in my life… why should this experience be any different?

But something happened the other day that threw me off. I made a decision to see the ex before he leaves town for good, and had the best of intentions… or so I thought. If I’m doing everything right, and if I’m feeling this strong, then I’m ready for some real closure right? After all, I’m so enlightened by this process that it’s only natural to want to end things cleanly. I truly do wish the best for him, and he should know that. So, I asked and he accepted.

Then I panicked.

I reached out thinking that since I’m fast-tracking my recovery, I might as well take that final step and send him on his way. Then it hit me: I’m not NEARLY as far down the road of healing that my arrogant little brain thought I was; in fact I’ve barely begun to deal properly, despite all the “work” I’ve been doing. What a devastating reality.

I’ve been so busy healing, I’ve not stopped to… well… heal.

What’s the first thing we do when we’re in pain?  We stick the cut finger in our mouths. We grab that stubbed toe. We rub the bumped cranium. We do anything we can to take the sting away, even if it makes no sense nor does anything to actually fix the problem. We just want the hurt to stop.

All things need time to mend themselves, and often there is nothing we can do to rush the process. All we can really do it be where we are… in fact it’s not possible to be anywhere else. I had to come to the conclusion that though I thought I was doing everything right to get myself back on track, there’s not really a track to be on. We are where we are, and trying to fight that one way or another just keeps us stuck.

As desperately as I want to escape where I’m at, that kind of behavior clearly has not worked for me in the past. Remember the last time that pouring vodka on problem made it better? Yeah me either.

Denial is something that you never know you’re in until you’re out of it. Surrender is something that you never know you need until you do it. Much like the way that crazy people never question their own sanity, we can’t know what we need until we’re there. That’s the reason we have to Let it Be… because time takes time, and “theres’ nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.” – John Lennon










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