Recovery

Alice in Wonderhell

Sometimes self-awareness can get downright exhausting. Those of us who have made a conscious decision to delve into our psyche and discover who we are and where we’ve come from have taken on a huge responsibility. It can feel like a scene form The Matrix: “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember – all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.”

I often wonder if ignorance is truly bliss. When I get down to the nitty gritty and examine my motives/intentions/patterns I wonder how much further the rabbit hole goes. It doesn’t matter if I like what I find (and I usually don’t), all that matters is that I’m trying to become usefully whole. But is it not like a leaky dam? Once I put my finger in one crack, another one breaks open. How long do I have to hold these things together? Is the uncovering of all these defects really propelling me into freedom, or am I simply stunted by the overwhelming damage that needs attention?

When we choose to see the truth, it’s often accompanied by despair. The long crawl out of emotional hell is lined with barbed wire, and each laborious step leaves us raw and bleeding. I suppose this is why we aren’t supposed to go down there alone. The guided tour of our subconscious distortion often seems endless, arduous, and sometimes pointless. So why do we do it? Were we happier when we were oblivious of the malady and only acutely aware of the symptom?

It’s that low frequency underlying misery that motivates us to lift the veil and betray our self-preservation patterns. When the fear of change is greater than the pain of staying the same, we’ve reached the point where we’ve no choice but to take the red pill. Sure, ignorance of the core obstruction might keep us blissfully distracted for a long time. But in those quiet moments of sweeping up the pieces of our last failed relationship, job, diet, or personal challenge we wonder if peeking into the world of Alice and her band of misfits might be the key that unlocks our true fulfillment.

It’s not for the feint of heart, and it’s not a one-time deal. Once you crack open that door a million other beasts are going to kick it open wider and wider until you feel like you might fall in altogether. But just like Alice had her wacky Chesire companion, you too are sure to meet a few of us as you “trudge the road of happy destiny,” so to speak. And some days (like today for me) we do indeed trudge. But the trudge makes the other days, in comparison, feel like flight.

4 Comments

  1. I have struggled with what Alice in Wonderland is about. I didn’t put it together that Wonderland is reality. It seems so distorted and weird. Why have I always thought reality was clear cut? I’m starting to appreciated reality and truth is distorted. Weird paradox. Thanks

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  2. Rich L

    Interesting analysis, Miss. I tend to lean towards a world of acceptance, because in my little world – I’m here because I’m supposed to be. Yes….I’m one of “those” people that thinks that everything happens for a reason and according to some master plan (variables included).
    I have always thought (still do)that everything I am, everything I do… is part of the plan. Friends that I’ve met, the children I created with my spouse,the life I lead everyday, is all part of it. Some say that life is all about choices and I agree with that to a certain extent. It the choices you make, the paths you choose that in my mind….lead you to where you’re supposed to be anyway. Granted, the road is not always a good one and bad choices often lead to pain and despair and anxiety. At the end of all that, a valuable lesson should be learned and in the grand scheme of things….isn’t that what all this living is about?
    The word serendipity (great flick btw) comes to mind in that life is really about all these unexpected events that occur while, looking for something else – but in the end, I believe it was really meant to be the way from the onset…..sometimes good and sometimes bad. The journey is yours for the taking, but it’ll take you where you’re supposed to be…..so says me.

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  3. Sometimes it is pretty dark in the rabbit hole, and there are things down here that are quite a bit less cute than bunnies. But it’s so important for someone to know why they do the things they do. Otherwise life is a string of falling into the same traps over and over again….

    Just bring a flashlight.

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