Sometimes self-awareness can get downright exhausting. Those of us who have made a conscious decision to delve into our psyche and discover who we are and where we’ve come from have taken on a huge responsibility. It can feel like a scene form The Matrix: “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember – all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.”
I often wonder if ignorance is truly bliss. When I get down to the nitty gritty and examine my motives/intentions/patterns I wonder how much further the rabbit hole goes. It doesn’t matter if I like what I find (and I usually don’t), all that matters is that I’m trying to become usefully whole. But is it not like a leaky dam? Once I put my finger in one crack, another one breaks open. How long do I have to hold these things together? Is the uncovering of all these defects really propelling me into freedom, or am I simply stunted by the overwhelming damage that needs attention?
When we choose to see the truth, it’s often accompanied by despair. The long crawl out of emotional hell is lined with barbed wire, and each laborious step leaves us raw and bleeding. I suppose this is why we aren’t supposed to go down there alone. The guided tour of our subconscious distortion often seems endless, arduous, and sometimes pointless. So why do we do it? Were we happier when we were oblivious of the malady and only acutely aware of the symptom?
It’s that low frequency underlying misery that motivates us to lift the veil and betray our self-preservation patterns. When the fear of change is greater than the pain of staying the same, we’ve reached the point where we’ve no choice but to take the red pill. Sure, ignorance of the core obstruction might keep us blissfully distracted for a long time. But in those quiet moments of sweeping up the pieces of our last failed relationship, job, diet, or personal challenge we wonder if peeking into the world of Alice and her band of misfits might be the key that unlocks our true fulfillment.
It’s not for the feint of heart, and it’s not a one-time deal. Once you crack open that door a million other beasts are going to kick it open wider and wider until you feel like you might fall in altogether. But just like Alice had her wacky Chesire companion, you too are sure to meet a few of us as you “trudge the road of happy destiny,” so to speak. And some days (like today for me) we do indeed trudge. But the trudge makes the other days, in comparison, feel like flight.