Random Messes

Run for your life

I haven’t posted in a little while, and I’m sitting here wondering why. Though I’ve had a lot of my plate, I haven’t had that much on my mind. It’s been nice. There’s an awful lot going on but something in me has recently decided to let go and allow life to work itself out without my help. Sure, I suit up and show up for life but that’s where my input ends. The minute I stop trying to control the outcome of any given situation, I become free to actually live. Trust me when I tell you that people have been trying to beat this concept into me for quite some time but, like anything, I wasn’t ready until I was ready. Not that I exist in this mindset all the time but when I do, life becomes simpler and more joyful. Instead of constantly staying busy trying to fix the world to fit  my expectations, maybe I need to get still and let my expectations catch up with the world. I get to be a human being rather than a human doing.

I recently returned form visiting my parents in New York, and we were busy – all day, every day. Granted, we had my 4 year old with us, but there was hardly a moment of shear togetherness with no going or doing. I remember when I was little we would sometimes have “quiet time with all the lights out” when we would, well, sit together in darkness and silence and just be. I don’t remember when this stopped but I think it had something to do with the increasing complexity of life, and our respective inabilities to sit not with each other, but with ourselves.

They say that idle hands are the devil’s workshop. I say that we stay busy in order to run from our demons. After all, who has time to think about the guilt, regret, financial panic, or potential rejection when there’s a kickball league to attend? There’s nothing wrong with having a social life but when we don’t take time to get to know ourselves – our beliefs, feelings, desires, dreams – then how can we ever expect anyone else to ever know us? Or love us? When keep ourselves at arm’s length, it’s much easier to keep others there as well. And isn’t that where we feel the safest….?

What we confuse with boredom may actually be that elusive serenity – a comfort level with ourselves and the world around us. It can be frightening to be in that space of ok-ness with the world. We slip back into unworthiness or fear that someone will “catch us” being lazy or idle. The busier you are, the more important you are, right?

The less I run from myself, the less I have to run from the world, and the more I have to offer. Could it really be that simple? Let me know when you slow down, and what you find when you do.

4 Comments

  1. Interesting that you post this when I have been working to get away from the very thing you are working to embrace.

    I spend so much time by myself since I’m a self-employed photographer — I really have no choice but be at ease with myself. Being comfortable with yourself — and not feeling like you must always surround yourself with friends and family is a virtue — as is the ability to just roll with the punches that life can throw at you on a day to day basis.

    My issue is that I seem to sometimes be too good at disconnecting myself from life. Procrastinating. Putting off what can be done today till tomorrow. Not living up to my own expectations of myself.Just being a disappointment to myself in general. It sucks letting a day, a week, a month, or even years pass by without having felt like you’ve accomplished what you wanted to accomplish in the given amount of time that you had expected to accomplish it in.

    So these days I am really working on my time management skills. Figuring out how to get more out of each day — for myself as well as the people around me that I care about. Spending time trying to get the things done in life that really matter to me rather than letting day after day slip by without having accomplished anything of consequence.

    I can’t change the fact that there is only twenty-four hours in a day — but I can change the way I spend those twenty-four hours. Try to get more out of them, because I only have so many left, and no way of knowing when the clock will stop ticking for me.

    “Today’s decisions create tomorrow’s experiences.”

    Reply

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