I haven’t posted in a little while, and I’m sitting here wondering why. Though I’ve had a lot of my plate, I haven’t had that much on my mind. It’s been nice. There’s an awful lot going on but something in me has recently decided to let go and allow life to work itself out without my help. Sure, I suit up and show up for life but that’s where my input ends. The minute I stop trying to control the outcome of any given situation, I become free to actually live. Trust me when I tell you that people have been trying to beat this concept into me for quite some time but, like anything, I wasn’t ready until I was ready. Not that I exist in this mindset all the time but when I do, life becomes simpler and more joyful. Instead of constantly staying busy trying to fix the world to fit my expectations, maybe I need to get still and let my expectations catch up with the world. I get to be a human being rather than a human doing.
I recently returned form visiting my parents in New York, and we were busy – all day, every day. Granted, we had my 4 year old with us, but there was hardly a moment of shear togetherness with no going or doing. I remember when I was little we would sometimes have “quiet time with all the lights out” when we would, well, sit together in darkness and silence and just be. I don’t remember when this stopped but I think it had something to do with the increasing complexity of life, and our respective inabilities to sit not with each other, but with ourselves.
They say that idle hands are the devil’s workshop. I say that we stay busy in order to run from our demons. After all, who has time to think about the guilt, regret, financial panic, or potential rejection when there’s a kickball league to attend? There’s nothing wrong with having a social life but when we don’t take time to get to know ourselves – our beliefs, feelings, desires, dreams – then how can we ever expect anyone else to ever know us? Or love us? When keep ourselves at arm’s length, it’s much easier to keep others there as well. And isn’t that where we feel the safest….?
What we confuse with boredom may actually be that elusive serenity – a comfort level with ourselves and the world around us. It can be frightening to be in that space of ok-ness with the world. We slip back into unworthiness or fear that someone will “catch us” being lazy or idle. The busier you are, the more important you are, right?
The less I run from myself, the less I have to run from the world, and the more I have to offer. Could it really be that simple? Let me know when you slow down, and what you find when you do.